~~Holiday Special (Day 5/7, Page 5/6)~~
The barricade stood a good four meters tall, preventing entry. There was supposed to be a large stone archway above, but it hadn’t been rebuilt yet. Lynnette seemed ready to climb over, but Hector motioned for her to hold off, and instead, he raised platforms for the both of them. They reached the top of the gate, and then he raised more platforms on the other side as well, allowing them to simply step over and be lowered back down.
“Aren’t you handy,” said Lynnette. She’d pulled up the hood of her white cloak again, which she recently had cleaned. She’d made several trips into the city over the week, one of which was for fresh clothes--not just for herself but for Hector, too, as he couldn’t shop for himself without causing a panic. She seemed to have grown especially fond of her cloak, though, to the point where she’d even gotten him a black one to wear. She could pull the look off, he thought, but he felt ridiculous in his and chose not to wear it. And besides, it wasn’t really motorcycle-friendly attire.
‘Over there.’ Garovel pointed toward the west side of the castle.
They cut across the huge garden with Hector leading the way. He’d been able to learn the layout thanks to the building plans that Gina found for him. Lynnette already knew the castle and grounds, of course, but he wanted to be prepared.
Inside now, he kept an eye out for more security cameras, as did Garovel, and made sure to obstruct each one. Every guardsman they encountered was similarly subdued, but he couldn’t let these ones go just yet. Instead, he found a spare office and began collecting them like life-size figurines. He had to cover their mouths so they couldn’t yell out for help, but he was careful not to block any of their nostrils. Garovel promised to remind him that they would need to be released later, but Hector hoped he wouldn’t forget such an important thing in the first place.
A dark serial novel. Set in a modern fantasy world called Eleg. Mature language. Updates every night at midnight PST by ~400 words.
Some little things...
ReplyDelete"and made to sure obstruct each one"
Should be "made sure to".
"and began a collecting them"
The "a" is not needed.
"life-size figurines"
Not sure about this, but I think I remember reading "life-sized" somewhere instead.
And since this story is also educational and all, I googled phalanx bones. Turns out there are three of them in a finger, two in a thumb. So pointing one phalanx bone is sort of weird since you can't point with just your fingertip. Also, I think using the word at all breaks the flow of the text. It's mostly clear from context what a phalanx bone is, but any reader who's generally curious probably runs off to google it anyway. Or maybe that's just me. I think it would be sufficient to say that Garovel pointed west.
I know you're asking for corrections, but I feel silly for pointing out the phalanx thing anyway.
Argh. Too many mistakes. Thank you for all the catches.
ReplyDelete"Life-size" is actually correct, though. It's a bit crazy, but life-size, lifesize, life-sized, and lifesized are all acceptable usages.
As for the phalanx bone, yeah. That's a good point. I'm tempted to replace "a long phalanx bone" with "a distal phalange," but I guess I won't do that. I do generally prefer simpler prose for the sake fluidity. GENERALLY, I SAID.
"which she’d also recently had cleaned". Not sure if it's wrong, but "she'd" and "had" don't seem to work.
ReplyDeleteIt's not technically incorrect, but it's definitely more words than necessary. Rephrased now, thanks.
ReplyDeleteAh c'mon, she's bought him clothes and a cloak to match hers? My Shipping Senses are tingling
ReplyDelete