“I...” His gaze hardened and fell to the ground. “I have to go find my mom.”
‘Hector, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’
He looked up with a furrowed brow. “Why not?”
‘I visited the police station while I was looking for you. I saw your mother there. She was very distraught and confused, but she... agh, I’m not even sure how to put this...’
“Just say it.”
Garovel eyed him heavily. ‘When I saw her, she was under the impression that you murdered your father. I don’t think she wants to see you.’
“The cops told her that I...?” He sighed. “Of course they did...”
‘I’m sorry.’
“But...”
‘Hector. I think it’s time we left Brighton behind.’
He was silent at that.
‘Your life here... it’s been destroyed. Between the crime scene at your house and the crime scene at your school, the police have pieced together your identity. I saw them in the station. They’re not just hunting for some guy in a metal mask. They’re hunting for Hector Goffe.’
“I can’t just leave my mother behind...”
‘Hector...’
“I’m all she has left, Garovel. I have to... try to... make her understand... somehow...” His expression searched for the right words. “I have to see her again. I just. I have to...”
The reaper floated around him. ‘You are easily the most wanted person in the city. Going back there right now is--’
“Do you know where she is?”
The reaper was hesitant to answer.
“Garovel, don’t lie to me...”
‘Yes. I do know. She’s in a hotel with a police detail.’
“Take me to her.”
‘What if you can’t convince her?’
“I don’t know. But I’m not leaving without trying.”
‘And what if you do convince her? What difference will that make? You’ll still be wanted for murder.’
A dark serial novel. Set in a modern fantasy world called Eleg. Mature language. Updates every night at midnight PST by ~400 words.
Ok... given that right now Hector is probably one of the top ten wanted man by the police... why doesn't he just die, in front of the police? Maybe die to a heavy explosive that destroys most of his body, including his brain, and he'll reform somewhere else, officially dead.
ReplyDeleteBam, instantly cleared his wanted status that way.
That makes sense. I mean if you want to really disappear what better way then to go up in literal flames.
ReplyDelete"You are the easily the most wanted person"
ReplyDeleteShould read "are easily the most"
Fixed. Thank you again.
Deletewell, It'd hurt like hell...but yeah that'd make sense.
ReplyDeleteFound your blog through projectwonderful and I just burned my way through the archives today. I have to say I've enjoyed it. I like the world you've built. Fantastic (DBZ like) powers are always a fun read.
ReplyDeleteThe only real criticism I have to offer revolves around your characters speech patterns. For the most part they all speak in the same way (I assume in your voice). This is distracting (to me) from character growth/empathy as they are all the same.
I have a hard time believing a thousand year old reaper would speak like a 16 year old. Unless this is simply how Hector is interpreting reaper speech. Which is fine but for the fact that most of the other characters speak in the same fashion, even when Hector is not present. They should have different speech patterns to reflect the different characters. Different levels of maturity, quirks of speech or some other discernible trait.
All that being said keep up the great work!
Hmm. This is one piece of criticism that I do not understand. You think they all speak in the same voice? Really? Hector, Garovel, Colt, Helen, Roman, Geoffrey, Damian--they all sound the same to you? I really can't understand how you could think that. Garovel is quite informal and fluid. Colt tends to be pretty harsh and terse. Helen is more formal and stiff. Geoffrey almost never swears and tends to blabber on. Roman strikes a balance between the others. Damian goes all over the place. And of course, Hector often has trouble picking words.
DeleteHowever, I at least understand the idea that Garovel doesn't sound "old" or "ancient" enough. But I think that's based on a false assumption. Speech patterns can develop naturally or deliberately or a bit of both. He speaks how he wants to.
Having said that, you have given me something to think about. I'm glad you're enjoying the story, and thank you for the thoughtful feedback.
I have more trouble differentiating reapers than people. The humans are distinguishable to me.
DeleteSometimes separating Garovel from Hector is more difficult when Hector is relaxed and speaks more freely. I assume Garovel adopts Hectors speech either in part because of their bond or to support it.
This is a natural human tendency to reinforce social bonds. I realize that reapers used to be human, but I don't expect them to carry these tendencies with them in the afterlife. I look for a lessening of humanity in the dead as they no longer posses the necessary glands/hormones that influence our socialization.
Okay I kind of got sidetracked there... Forgive me as communicating through written word is not my forte. I'm not sure how to express my confusion while reading. It's just something that was bothering me. I guess a different (and same) way of putting it may not be that they sound the same as that they are not strongly different. I don't "hear" different voices in my head for each character. I hear one(your) voice only. Unfortunately I can't think of another way to express that.
I offer no offense, please take none. Thank you for writing.
Duly noted. And no worries. I'm not offended. I just honestly didn't understand what you meant.
DeleteYou and Hussie may kill off a lot of people
ReplyDeleteBut you're not the best at it.
Stephan King.
The Stand.
READ IT.
You know, way back when I offered to give some constructive criticism, I was going to mention something similar. You demurred my offer; fair enough.
ReplyDeleteNow someone else pipes up with a comment like that, may I then just point out that you ARE doing this in a serial format. Tends to make it difficult to catch yourself.
Haha, that doesn't sound very constructive at all. That makes it sound like there's a problem with the story that I'm not skilled enough to fix. But I'm sure you don't mean it that way. BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE CONDESCENDING AND IRRITATING.
DeleteI do keep a close eye on the way my characters talk, just so we're clear. The difference are not huge, but they are there. I don't like it when speech patterns are wildly different for no reason, as I find that quite unrealistic and gimmicky. There will undoubtedly be characters in the future who have prominent differences in their speech, but those cases will have reasons attached to them (culture, personal history, etc.).
Also, I don't think I've refused criticism. I remember one time I said that I was waiting until certain point to ask for reviews, but if you already feel so inclined, then please, critique away. If you want to respond to it, then leave it here in the comments. If you just want to give an overall review, though, then leave it at on TZK's Web Fiction Guide page. I won't respond to those, as I feel they should collectively speak for themselves.
I only check in about once a week. I dont seem to be having any problem with voices in my head.My version of Garovel keeps changing tho. Awesome story keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Will do.
DeleteWhoa there!
ReplyDeleteMy comment had more to do with the nature of the medium you took than anything!
Writing in serial format is a very cavalier way to go - you charge off with the story. This gives us a great pace, but it also means that you make little mistakes as you go along. For example, Kunama's comment on just this entry.
By the way - please don't do that again. I was implying nothing, so please don't infer.
I know you were not implying that, which is why I was not genuinely irritated. But I did want to point out an easy misinterpretation of your remark, as well as how it could reflect poorly on the story.
DeleteSpeech/ voices problem??? I didn't see any point to that, i simply do it this way:
ReplyDeleteGarovel voices: Deep, sounds like an old man, i put Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) mental image to voice up him up
Bohwanox: Deep, Bass, Slow speech, i attribute Snape (alan rickman) mental image
The Queen: Angelina Jolie! So What!?
Geoffrey: Jhonny Depp, when he was young of course
Damian: robert de niro LOL
In short, it's all up to your imagination to live up all the characters
I don't see any resemblance either, I'm as confused as you by that idea. For what it's worth.
ReplyDeleteI was with Bane about Garovel as I mentioned that waaay back in the first chapters, but I was lost when all the characters were compared. Your characters are different enough that I believe if I was given dialogue and not told who the people were, I could accurately identify each character by the way they speak. That should tell you more than enough
ReplyDeleteGah! Hector is making a HUGE mistake but I can't even blame him for it!
ReplyDeleteTo the comments section. I wish I had been here 10 months ago and joined in cause reading the comments made me a lil irritated. Objective criticism is one thing, out and out blaming the author for one's own mistake is a completely different thing entirely. And then once called out on it, backtracking or making up a convoluted reason for your post is just plain sad. Honestly, comparing a simple spelling error to entire characterizations you find faulty? I had to reread the comment cause I didn't believe it