Side Story #1 - Colt - Page 29

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"Wow, really?" said Alice. "So you grow your own food and stuff?"

Colt nearly winced at that question. He'd tried to start a little vegetable garden multiple times now, but his luck with that project had proven pretty fucking awful thus far. "It's more hunting and gathering, at the moment."

"Oh, you're a hunter? Y'know, that makes sense. You look like a hunter."

The fuck was that supposed to mean? What did hunters look like?

"So does that mean you know how to cook as well?" said Alice.

Colt gave a small shrug. "Not as well as you, probably."

She blinked, perhaps only then remembering that she'd made him breakfast the other day. Then her smile widened.

This was making him uncomfortable again. He stood up and started toward the basement. "I need to go make some soap."

"What? Soap?"

"Yeah, I just remembered I'm getting low."

"Oh! You make it yourself, huh?"

He was already halfway down the stairs. "Yeah."

Her footsteps were following him. "Can I help?"

Fuck no. "...If you want."

And she actually followed him all the way into his basement.

His fucking basement.

Just how trusting was this goddamned woman? Did the thought not even occur to her that he might be some kind of psycho-pervert-murderer? A man she knew almost nothing about?

He very nearly asked what the hell was wrong with her.

Was this how normal people behaved? Just completely guileless? Totally lacking any notions that the person they were talking to might in some way betray them?

No, right? She was the weird one here, not him, right?

He couldn't fucking tell, anymore.

And so, for some goddamn reason, after grabbing a bundle of wood ashes, a jar of rainwater, and one of his few air-tight cans of animal fat, they went outside, and he began teaching her how to make soap by hand.

And it was... nice.

Cocora help him, he actually enjoyed himself. The twins joined in as well, though he made sure they kept their distance when he was boiling the fat.

Alice seemed to really get into it, too. After her first attempt came out looking pretty lumpy and fucked up, she laughed but also seemed fairly disappointed in herself, and her level of concentration noticeably changed. As she started her second try, she wasn't nearly as chatty, but she was clearly focused on listening to his instructions.

'Colt,' came Bohwanox's silent, echoing voice.

Aw, shit. He'd nearly forgotten that the reaper was still following Janet around. If Boh was contacting him now, he probably had a lot to say. Eh, this could get a little awkward, juggling two conversations at once.

'Colt, you're not asleep, are you? It's the middle of the day.'

'I'm here. But I'm a little busy at the moment. I have a guest at the cabin.'

There was a pause. 'Are you talking about that dog? Look, I like dogs as much as the next guy, but that hardly qualifies as a guest. You can still pay attention to--'

'No, I'm not talking about the dog. He's still here, too, but I brought someone from town to examine him. Looks like he'll be fine.'

There was another pause. 'Hold on a minute here. You brought an actual human person to your cabin? YOU did that?'

Colt could already see where this was going. 'Yes. Is that so hard to believe?'

'Uh. Yeah. With your trust issues? It's incredibly difficult to believe. In fact, I kinda think you're lying to me, right now, though I can't fathom what your reason would be. Did I catch you taking a dump or something? If it's that awkward for you, I can call back in a couple minutes. You don't have to weave some kind of fantastical tale as an excuse. I'll understand.'

'I'm not lying.'

'Okay. I see you're doubling down. That's really not necessary, Colt. I know you and I are still fairly new to this whole reaper-servant business, but there's no reason it has to be awkward. You can tell me if you've got the runs or something. I really--'

'Shut the fuck up already. It's Alice Ridgemont. She runs an animal shelter in town.'

'You brought a WOMAN home with you? Oh my god! First of all, what kind of woman would go anywhere with you? Is she ill? In the head, I mean?'

'Remember what I said about shutting the fuck up?'

'Yeah, that's not happenin', pal. This is way too juicy. Honestly, I'm still in shock that you allowed a dog into the cabin, much less a human being. And a woman, even?! Are YOU feeling okay? Did you hit your head? Did you need me to come heal your wounds for you?'

'The fuck is that supposed to mean? Why is it somehow less believable that I bring a woman back to the cabin than a man?'

'Oh, because you're a horrible misogynist. I thought that was obvious.'

'What? I'm not a...' Well, wait a minute, now. Was he a misogynist? Hmm.

'Are you about to tell me that you don't hate women?' said Bohwanox.

'...I don't hate them. I just think most of them are duplicitous, cold-hearted bitches.'

'Oh, is that all? I don't know how I could've mistaken that for misogyny.'

'Well, I also think that most men are untrustworthy pieces of shit.'

'I'm not sure that being both a misogynist AND a misandrist makes you any less of one or the other.'

'Look, whatever. I don't really give a fuck about the terms.'

'Can't say that surprises me. That brings up an interesting notion, though. I feel like a lot of people would consider it better to hate one hundred percent of the population instead of only half of it. I guess it's the aspect of "fairness" that twists perception around a bit.'

Colt was about ready to stop listening. 'I regret telling you I had a guest. If I'd known it would cause you to launch into this tidal wave of stupidity, I would've kept my mouth shut.'

'You mean your mind.'

'What?'

'You would've kept your mind shut. Not your mouth. Presumably, your mouth isn't actually moving when you talk to me.'

Colt exhaled a muted sigh through his nose. 'Just tell me what you were going to say about Janet and end my suffering, please.'

'You make it sound like you want me to release your soul.'

'If this conversation doesn't end soon, then that might be for the best.'

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