Side Story #1 - Colt - Page 45

"That would be fine," said Genevieve. "But what is your interpretation, Matron?"

Ah. No escaping this time, Colt thought. Not without the risk of losing Genevieve entirely. What was she going to say, he wondered?

Alice took her time again. The gravity in her expression was stronger than Colt had yet seen from her. "Well... in my interpretation, the Goddess gave us an instinctual desire to grieve at the loss of those we love. It may hurt. It may even be the most painful thing we ever experience. But it also demonstrates the depth of our capacity for love. And certainly, taking the time to grieve is, if nothing else, respectful to the memory of those who have passed on. I believe the pain we feel is Cocora's way of honoring them in our hearts."

Genevieve's gaze only seemed to grow more somber as she listened.

"And in time," Alice went on, "that pain... will become part of us. An important part. I can't claim to know the Goddess' plan for us all, but I do believe that she doesn't want us to ignore our grief. I believe she wants us to integrate it into ourselves."

The other woman still wasn't saying anything.

For his part, Colt didn't know if he could buy into any of that, but maybe that was just because it was so difficult for him to relate. Even now, in his early thirties, he couldn't remember a single time when he'd actually felt grief. He'd seen it, sure. Working as a cop in a crime-ridden city, it was pretty normal to witness people who'd been sucker punched by misfortune, but if anything, he felt like that repeated experience had only further hardened his heart--if that was even possible.

Was it desensitization if he'd never really been sensitive in the first place?

However, he did appreciate that Alice at least wasn't relying on that tired notion that they're "in a better place." Even if it was true, those words had lost their weight for him, he thought.

"And hopefully," said Alice, "it is also some comfort to know that, no matter what may have happened to them in this life, they are with Her now. Happy. And at peace."

Ah, there it was. Nevermind, then.

He supposed for people who really did believe, as Alice seemed to, it probably was a comfort, wasn't it? To him, that just seemed way too simple and easy, but it wasn't like he knew all the fuckin' secrets of the universe, either, so...

Eh, whatever.

"Do... do you think that the departed learn the truth after they pass on?" said Genevieve.

That was an unexpected question, Colt thought. Even Alice seemed to be struggling with it.

"What do you mean by that?" the Matron said.

"I..." Mrs. Beaumont took a long breath. "Like... if someone lied to them in their life. And never told them the truth. Do you think they would discover what really happened? Or why? Once they're in heaven, I mean?"

What the hell? Why in the world would she be asking something like that?

"...That may be something that only Cocora knows," said Alice.

Genevieve fell quiet again.

Colt wanted so badly to intervene with another question of his own, but his presence in this conversation was already dubious. He had a feeling that both women had all but forgotten that he was sitting over here, and if he reminded them, then one or both of them might ask for privacy. And he wouldn't be in any position to refuse, at that point.

Right now, he just needed to blend in and not make a sound. Maybe even pretend like he wasn't listening. The twins were useful for that. And thankfully, they were still quiet as mice. As much as he wanted them to be normal children, it was undeniable that their abnormality was helpful, at times.

"...My ex-husband," said Genevieve. "I blamed him for something that wasn't his fault. Or rather... I pretended to. And I think it hurt him... maybe even more than if I'd just told him the truth."

Alice was just listening.

"And now he's gone," she said. "Looking back, I... I wish I had at least told him the truth before the end..."

"I see," said Alice. Somehow, her voice was even more gentle than usual. "That is a difficult feeling to wrestle with. But you should remember that regrets, too, are an inevitable part of life. I have heard some argue otherwise, that it is possible to live a life without regret--to live it to the fullest, as some say--but I believe that they are wrong. Everyone in this world makes mistakes, and feeling regret is a natural consequence of that. And so, in essence... if you were to live without regret, it would not be because you had never done anything worth regretting. You have. As we all have. Instead, it would be because you are not paying attention, not seeing or acknowledging the reality of your past. And that is no way to live in health and in grace."

Damn. Did she learn that from her holy books, too, Colt wondered?

"...You have things you regret as well, Matron?"

"Of course. Many things. And sometimes... they may even get the better of me."

"...Is that why you are crying?"

Upon hearing that, Colt had look over at Alice one more time. Yep. More tears alright. She wasn't sobbing in the fetal position like she had been a few minutes ago, but her eyes were definitely puffy, and she was struggling to answer Genevieve.

"I... ah... this is... I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize. If anything, I should be one apolo--gize--ah... uh..."

Now Genevieve was breaking down. "Stop it, Matron. You're--you're making me--"

"I'm sorry!"

"No, no, I'm sorry!"

What the fuck was he listening to, right now? Colt wasn't sure he'd ever felt more out of place in his entire fucking life. Maybe he should just stick his finger up to his temple and use his destruction ability to blow his brains out. It couldn't be any more agonizing than this shit.