Hector staggered back before regaining his footing and saw Stoker gunning for him again. He created another wall for the creature to leap over, but this time added a platform beneath himself and rose up to meet the man with his fist.
It saw him at the last moment, however, and jetted to the side. Hector’s punch missed completely, and Stoker zigzagged through the air, coming back around toward him. But before it could even reach Hector again, a hydrogen jet from its shoulder misfired, exploding and sending the creature spiraling into the dirt.
Hector watched from atop his platform. ‘What the hell?’
‘Transfiguration is difficult to control,’ said Garovel. ‘It’s running purely on reflexive memories now, so it won’t be able to make adjustments like a conscious mind can.’
‘Ugh... this is just... horrible...’
‘I know.’
It was back on its feet. It looked up at Hector, the expression on its face still half-asleep.
‘Don’t underestimate its reflexes. They’re much faster now that it doesn’t have any normal thought processes slowing it down.’
Then came the fog. White clouds erupted from Stoker’s back, expanding quickly across the battlefield.
‘Uh-oh,’ said Garovel.
‘Keep your distance,’ said Hector, deciding to finish his breastplate instead of remaking his gauntlet.
The reaper flew up even higher. ‘I can’t sense it at all. It shouldn’t be able to sense you either, but just. Uh. Be careful, Hector.’
‘You don’t have to keep telling me...’ Hector let the fog envelop him as well. He looked around, barely able to see arm’s length in front of him, so he tried listening for the sound of footsteps, but the churning fog muffled everything.
‘Still don’t see it,’ said Garovel. ‘Can you flush it out?’
Hector clasped his hands together--one gauntleted, one bare--and created a metal slab above the fog. Two meters thick, fifteen meters both wide and long. It fell, pressing into the fog like bread on a sandwich, and Hector made just enough of a gap for himself--a cylindrical hole where he could stand safely. The metal slammed down and made the ground shake.
A dark serial novel. Set in a modern fantasy world called Eleg. Mature language. Updates every night at midnight PST by ~400 words.
Missing word:
ReplyDelete"It shouldn’t [be] able to sense you either"
Shouldn't Hector be able to make a fan with his metal and blow away the fog?
Got it, thanks.
ReplyDelete‘Uh-oh,’ said Garovel.
ReplyDelete‘Keep your distance,’ said Hector, deciding to finish his breastplate instead of remaking his gauntlet.
I think you want those names switched. Then again maybe not it makes sense both ways I guess.
Uh. Be careful, Hector.’
ReplyDeleteShould it be Uh, ?
"so it wont be able to make"
ReplyDeletewont -> won't
Ya know...even for a book like this, and even for an author as skilled as you, comes a time you really need to give your character - and perhaps more importantly, your readers - a real victory to savor. Garovel tells Hector he can't keep this up forever without a break: we see how strained he is over how badly everything keeps going. But for the readers, also, it is exhausting to read and emotionally invest constantly without getting something back. As a reader, I will eventually lose my ability to sympathize and invest. You manage it well, very well, and there is always some ballast, which is why I've lasted this long - Mrs. Trent's understanding is a good example - but with this particularly horrific finale to Stoker's demise, I'm approaching my limits here. You're very good at this, and maybe I'm just too inclined to want things a bit happier (I certainly write them that way), but some kind of real relief - not just a break from more horror, but some actual good to occur - is beginning to feel quite necessary.
ReplyDeleteThis should, of course, be taken with plenty of salt. You know what kind of story you want to tell, and that outweighs quite a lot. This is just how I see it as a writer, influenced heavily by my own beliefs and inclinations. And, a huge part of why I feel like I'm burning out may be because I didn't really care about Colt. It's only the most recent scenes that have succeeded in making him sympathetic to me. I only cared for the sake of his kids.That probably was supposed to the big break that renewed me, and it seemed to work for plenty of the ones leaving comments, so it's purely my problem it didn't. But it would be nice if someone genuinely good got saved.
Ah, the eternal debate. Obviously, personal tastes are varied and blah blah, but I'm actually more in agreement with you than you realize. I also dislike it when stories are "too dark" so to speak, when nothing genuinely, lastingly good ever seems to happen.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this story is still QUITE young in my mind. I know it may not seem like it, given that you've already read almost two novels of text, but that's also kind of the point. Serialization is a different type of monster.
If I hadn't suspected you agreed with me at least in part, I wouldn't have said any of it. You see, the most useless kind of 'feedback' is something that boils down to 'but why aren't you writing what *I* want?' I've gotten it before. It's pointless. We aren't here to write what other people want, not least because they all want something different. If it was as simple as 'you are writing a dark depressing novel and I don't want a dark depressing novel', I'd just stop reading. Whether or not the book you are writing is for me just isn't your problem.
ReplyDeleteBut, it was clear to me you weren't really out to do that. The sense that you wished to maintain balance was very clear to me. I keep reading because my sense is that you DO intend to reward our faith eventually, in some way, and because I saw the various small ways you kept things from crossing a certain line. Which is why I thought the fact that it was starting to feel like too long to me might be of value to you. I explained in that level of detail because I never give that kind of feedback without explaining myself thoroughly. My criticism can be harsh (you haven't seen that side, you don't need it), but I always go the extra mile to make sure it's constructive.
It is nice to have my suspicions confirmed though :D. I don't need details, just knowing you also think good things need to happen sometimes is enough.
And I still blame my apathy towards Colt for a lot of it. That was definitely intended to be a bone.
Oh, I doubt TZK has any fanfiction. IF IT DOES, THEN SOMEONE BETTER LINK ME TO IT RIGHT NOW.
ReplyDeleteI WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ALL OF THE SLASHFICS.
Find out somewhere else. The sick things people make out of their fandoms gives me the shivers sometimes. What depraved mind started Hermione/Snape pairings?
ReplyDeleteHaha.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, this is exactly what I say every time I run into a Hermione/Snape or Hermione/Draco fic!
ReplyDelete*claps*
ReplyDeleteThat's how a constructive criticism is done. Not like I've seen on past pages.
And yes, the people that want Geoffrey and Hector to be pals or more scare the Hell outta me...
I love seeing how Hector has grown. That move at the end was awesome.
ReplyDeleteNope. It's how I meant it.
ReplyDeleteAlso nope. Period is acceptable, as long as "Be" is capitalized, which it is.
ReplyDeleteFixed, thanks.
ReplyDelete