Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Page 11

“Er, yeah...” He nodded again.

You should know, however, that I will always require this of you. My entire purpose in reviving you is so that you can help me save lives. So no matter how your life may change--be it a new job, getting married, having children, or anything else--if you ever become unable to help me, then I will have to release your soul and find someone else.’

“O-okay...” He squinted. “But... how could I ever become ‘unable’ to help you? I mean... I doubt I’ll ever be too busy to go save a person’s life...”

That’s good of you to say, but it may not always be your decision. For instance, if your brain ended up in a jar, you wouldn’t be able to save anyone. And I wouldn’t be able to get you out. Well. Maybe if it was a weak jar. I mean, a REALLY weak jar. I’m not too sure.

He blinked a couple times. “Uh... what? Why would my brain end up in a jar?”

I dunno. I was just giving an example.’

That example was far too specific, Hector felt. “Are... are you gonna ask me to fight a mad scientist or something?”

Oh, um. I wasn’t planning on it, but I can’t say its an impossibility, either. Who knows what the future will bring, right?

“Er... right...” Hector’s gaze drifted toward the ground for a moment, then to the unbroken skin on his arms again. "I do have a question, though...”

What is it?’

“If... if you can... resurrect people like this... then... why don’t you... you know... do it... for everyone?”

Garovel hesitated. ‘Uh. What? I can’t understand you. Stop pausing so much when you talk.’

“Agh...” He tried again. “If you can resurrect people, then... why don’t you just... resurrect everyone?”

You’re still pausing. I told you to stop that.’


  1. Minor typo: "...I will always requires this of you."

  2. I find it curious that a reaper needs a servant to save lives since he is in the "death" business. It would appear that there's more to Garovel than meets the eye. A rogue reaper perhaps? Just speculating out loud. Just a minor grammar observation at this point: I understand you're using the ellipsis to show pauses in the dialogue, but I recommend you either mix up the punctuation to show those pauses or just use fewer ellipsis. Too much of anything becomes a bad thing and those ellipsis are becoming a distraction. Think of each sentence as a stage. The punctuation are your props. There words are your actors. You want your actors to do their primary job without tripping over the props, if that makes any sense...lol.

    Scott Scherr

  3. I see someone else pointed out the ellipses. Thing is, my own irritation at it died the moment Garovel pointed it out - it changed the role. You see, before a character in the book notices it, we don't know if you've intended the impression it's making. Garovel's comment makes it clear that others, even in the book, are supposed to share the same reaction we are having. That makes all the difference. It's been clear Hector has not lived a sunny well nourished life. Once Garovel makes it clear it is deliberate, it became another symptom, another piece of his personality. So...perhaps you want to make that happen sooner somehow. Maybe Garovel could make a brief joke/query about a 'bad connection' in the early out of body dialogue. Once that acknowledgement shifts our perception, we can appreciate all the ellipses for what they are. Until then, we keep wondering if you aren't just overdoing it somehow, unawares.

  4. Odd. I kinda noticed from the beginning that the ellipses were deliberate. I just compared Hector's manner of speech to Garovel. It's why I started wondering from the first page if Hector killed himself.

  5. I like Garovel. He's seems to have an improving effect on Hector's demeanor.

  6. Haha, love the ellipses call-out. Strange thing

  7. Ah, hello there. I recognize you from Web Fiction Guide. Its always a pleasure to see a fellow serialist in the comments. :)

  8. What? Me? Web Fiction Guide? Ha. No. What? No. I'm not-- You think-- You think I'm the GUY? The JOKE guy? No. Ha. No way. That's ridicu-- Okay, yeah that's me.

  9. I have a reverse stutter myself, so it seemed obvious from the beginning that Hector had a speech impediment.